It's official - Tom Cruise is divine

In a week in which we hardly need reminding that religion is the answer, not the problem, there is excellent news for imbeciles, or "Scientologists" as the sect's leaders euphemistically insist on referring to its followers. Specifically, Tom Cruise is the new Jesus. Right backatcha, Richard Dawkins!

If you believe reports, the deeply sane Mission Impossible star has been told by church bigwigs that he is the "chosen one", and destined to spread the word of Scientology around the world. Cynics are instructed to put aside the image of Terry Jones squawking, "He's not the Messiah, he's a very disturbed man!" and just acknowledge how much more resonant the whole water-into-wine thing would have been if Jesus had been able to do cool bar tricks like Tom's character in Cocktail. Or, perhaps, like Tom's commanding officer in Top Gun, you believe Jesus's ego was writing cheques his body couldn't cash, and that the whole Messiah myth will be reinvigorated by an entertainment personality with a better understanding of the need for an "up" ending.

Whatever your hopes, expect Biblical throngs to congregate from Reno to Rwanda, as Tom explains that we're all surrounded by evil alien spirits exiled to this planet by the galactic tyrant Xenu 75 billion years ago. And then bills them $30,000 each for the information.

According to an unnamed source in the Sun (which is pretty much the same thing as according to a magic pixie): "Tom has been told he is Scientology's Christ-like figure. Like Christ" - stay with this - "he has been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right."

The counter-theory, of course, is that believing that Tom is the Messiah will result in future generations having to live under the earth's scorched crust, distilling drinking water from their own urine. But it has to be worth a punt, doesn't it?