I have for some time now been considering the situation in Iraq and how best to come up with a new course of action that will help bring an end to the deep religious factionalism that divides this deepest religiously factionalised land. After considering various military options, I have decided the only way to bring harmony to the situation is by replacing Islam with the worship of the system of ancient Greek gods.

The worship of the god Zeus and his brother Poseidon, god of the sea, as well as of Zeus's extended family of gods and goddesses, up to and including his daughter Artemis, is the only way we can bring the problems of Iraq to a sensible conclusion. The split between the Sunni and Shia Muslim communities is so deep that worship of the one god is clearly never going to be enough for that most deeply fractured of deeply fractured countries. Accordingly, I am asking Congress to set aside $450bn to build a network of temples and oracles across Iraq.

I am proposing the Kurds in the north worship Aphrodite, goddess of love and desire, who rises from the waves of the sea, enchanting anyone who sees her. The myrtle is her tree and the Kurds will be granted $43bn to develop extra myrtles.

For Bagdhad, I'm placing Poseidon in charge, whose mighty trident can shake the earth. Brother of Zeus is he, whose command of the ocean is unequalled in all the annals of ancient mythology and to whom the populace should pray for a crackdown on suicide bombing in urban areas.

The Shia majority can specifically worship Hera, wife and sister of Zeus, whose sacred animal is the peacock. (I'm proposing 43,000 peacocks be airlifted into the area by US forces), while the Sunnis will have their minority rights protected by being granted direct access both to Apollo and my favourite god, Athena, goddess of agriculture and handicrafts and who invented the bridle, the trumpet, the pot, the flute and the rake.

I know many of you will argue this move ignores various other options such as the strategic military withdrawal recently recommended by the Iraq Study Group's report. I've read that report from cover to cover, again and again, and nowhere does it recommend not imposing a system of ancient Greek gods. I believe we must do everything we can to rebuild Iraq, this most messed-up thing of all things messed-up, and I have come to the conclusion that everything in this case means telling them to worship the family of Zeus. I have thought and thought about this for many weeks now and it's reached the stage where I can think of no other thing to think.

Later this evening, I will answer your questions, but only if they are brought to me courtesy of the winged sandals of Hermes. In the meantime, I'm away to get some sleep.