MODERN Western society is obsessed by body image. We worry about the interrelated questions of size (of various body parts) and what (not) to wear. The Ancient Greeks’ answer to the above question was: “Call that a bum? Nothing like big enough.” Big bottoms indicated fertility.

The Classical Association meeting at the University of Newcastle upon Tyne yesterday examined our fetishes for stick-insect female bodies, and found them unclassical. Anyone who was seen any Greek art knows that Greek nude male statues tend to be very modestly endowed: there is a preference for discreet, sometimes exaggeratedly small, genitalia. Few of them measure up to the eight-fingered Milesian dildos fondly imagined by Aristophanes’ Lysistrata.

Emma Stafford, of Leeds University, argued that small penis size was equated with ideals of youth, self-control and citizenship. It was linked with the conventions of the ideal homosexual relationship, in which the younger partner was expected to play an entirely passive part. Uncivilised brutes had large membra. These were incarnated especially in the creature of the Satyr.

Dr Stafford argued that the eight-finger phallus (she infers that the measurement is of girth rather than length) also had positive connotations, of fertility and apotropaic (turning aside evil) power. That was why huge phalluses were attached to herms (busts of Hermes) or carried disembodied in processions. Over-size penises can be found attached to perfectly respectable, upper-class citizens in particular contexts in Attic vase-painting. The conventional ideal was forgotten in comic or erotic contexts. And a predilection for large penises was attributed to women (going with the broader comic perception of women as having insatiable appetites). James Robson, of the Open University, discussed Aristophanes’ ideal of a sexy “downright bootilicious” woman. She was the antipodes of Kate Moss.

Katie Bell, of Leeds University, discussed the representations of Hercules as muscle-man. She suggested that his torso was originally gilded (or painted) to indicate a gold (or bronze) muscle cuirass. Athena gave him such armour to protect him during his Labours. Would his image have inspired athletes and warriors? Through winning the games and the wars, they too could achieve everlasting fame.

Sue Blundell related Ancient Greek sandals to modern fetishism for women’s shoes and tight-lacing. The pose adopted for lacing sandals had erotic connotations. She finds a link between shoes and dildos.

# The conference examined how modern ideas of revolution were rooted in classical models. It is no accident that both Greek and Latin phrases for revolution are “new things”. (Could this explain the politics of some vetero-con professors of classics?).

Ian Macgregor Morris, of Nottingham University, discussed how modern revolutionary thinkers try to legitimise their insurgency through ancient precedent.

Gareth Sampson, of Manchester University, discussed the way that revolutionaries identify systems from antiquity with which to remodel civilisation. By the end of the 18th century a Senate ruled an independent United States, and consuls dominated a French Republic.

# Why are deformed individuals (such as dwarfs, eunuchs and lifestyle gurus) identified throughout history with rulers? They are seen as markers of imperial power and as integral members of big power-centres. Why did Henry VIII need a dwarf jester? Lisa Trentin, of Nottingham University, has found 22 instances of deformed individuals having a central political, social or anecdotal role in the lives of Roman emperors. How to account for this link between Masters of the Universe and individuals with physical or spiritual deformities? Ms Trentin argued that, just as the deformed were seen as monsters, so were many emperors. Deformity is a motif or tool for assessing imperial politics and prime ministerial integrity.